You Know You Are Not Reformed If . . .
Monday, August 14, 2006 at 03:17PM 
You know you are not Reformed if
. . . you think the Apostles Creed is the guy who fought Rocky in Rocky I.
. . . you think the Canons of Dort are like the Guns of Navarrone.
. . . you think Ursinus is a nasal condition.
. . . you think Arminians are the people who run convenience stores.
. . . you think the Belgic Confession was from WWII war crimes trials.
. . . you think “popery” in the church makes it smell flowery.
. . . you think the psalter goes with the pepper shaker.
. . . you think unconditional election is a practice of communist dictatorships.
. . . the only “kirk” you know is from Star Trek.
. . . you think the Three Forms of Unity are health, wealth, and happiness.
. . . you think “catechism” and “dogma” relate to pets.
. . . you think Post Tenebras Lux is a breakfast cereal (it’s actually the motto of post-Reformation Geneva).
(h.t. Pat Yamada)
Can you think of more?
Reader Comments (28)
. . . you think the guy talking about irresistable grace must have a girlfriend named Grace.
. . . you think particular redemption has to do with coupons that can only be used in specific stores.
. . . you think the five solas is a follow-up album to the three tenors.
. . . you think the White Horse Inn should be avoided because it sounds like they might serve alcohol there.
Then I noticed that Arminians don't run convenience stores. So what are they? Accountants?
(By the way, does the world expert on Calvinism [i.e., Dave Hunt] have any new books out? We can't take our own firewood out west, but I'm thinking I could use a few useless books to start a campfire... Ah yes, if DH books work in this way, I think I'll market them under the title "What Campfire Starter Is This?")
Especially the Apostles Creed line. (Although that's not as exclusively Reformed as others)
...worship is the thing that your church does for 20 minutes before the preacher gets up there.
...you think that imputation has to do with data entry.
(see reference from Merck http://www.propecia.com/finasteride/propecia/consumer/index.jsp)
...you hear "B.B. Warfield" and immediately whip out your pellet gun or air rifle in response.
...you exclaim, "Hey, I've been to Little Saigon" when someone mentions Westminster. (For my SoCal amigos y amigas.)
...you say, "Gezunteit!" after someone mentions Kuyper.
...you respond, "Yeah, I loved those creatures in LOTR, too" when you hear about Oliphant.
...you wonder, "Maybe they're the new Destiny's Child?" after you hear someone mention Puritan divines.
...you think Zwingli is a sound effect made when Wile E. Coyote fails to catch the Road Runner.
...if, instead of 'Westminster', you say 'Westminister'.
...if at the sound of 'Calvin' you automatically think of Hobbes.
...if your favorite Wesley is John.
...you call yourself a 5 point calvinist until you're blue in the face but turn even bluer when it is then suggested you dump altar calls, sinner's prayers, rededictaions or anything that even remotely resembles them because you simply don't know what to do with yourself and your hearers after the Law has been presented.
...someone is talking about Meredith Kline's new book and you respond with, "I've never read her before."
...someone is talking about Kim Riddlebarger's new...(nah, I won't)
...you're daring to be a Daniel, daring to stand alone.
...He walks with you and talks with you when you're in the garden alone...and along life's narrow way. And you hear Him pass in the rustling grass.
... you need a 2' x 6' timeline to figure out the essentials of the end times.
... you can resist checking out the latest post at the Riddleblog.
...you are a fundamentalist...
...you are a revivalist...
... if you think the Diet of Worms sounds disgusting
... if your children sing that knowing God is "wicked"
... if you think man's chief end has something to do with his rear end
... if you think Martin Luther was an American political activist
... if you have to ask whether the "regulative principle of worship" allows the use of smoke machines or not
...you hear "presupp" and you think of appetizers.