Preach It!
Monday, May 14, 2007 at 11:39AM 
Carl Trueman recently made a great point on the Reformation 21 blog (5/4/07):
"In the US (and it is the US -- I have not seen this so much in the UK) , I have lost count of the number of women I have come across, particularly in presbyterian circles, who feel the need to conform to some Reformed cultural norm. You can tell them on the Sundays: the exhausted and haggard mothers whose husbands expect them not only to cook and to clean, but also to home-school the kids. For every omnicompetent wife who seems to be able to run the world and then some, and still look like a million dollars when hubbie gets home for dinner (already on the table, of course), there are ten or more who look crushed and dispirited, who really need to send their kids out of the house in the morning so they can get some rest and some mental sanity, who need their husbands to see the problem and take steps to help them. Are they inadequate as Christian mothers? No. They are crushed by a `Christian' culture that demands their all and gives no slack.
I am no feminist (my wife will confirm my impeccable Neanderthal credentials); I have strong views on women's ordination; but I am saddened by the way Reformed church culture so often tramples its women underfoot with its mindless identification of biblical manhood with something akin to John Wayne and its assumption that all Christian women should make Mary Poppins look domestically incompetent."
Click here: Reformation21 » Reformed Church Culture and Women
Preach it!
Reader Comments (26)
Yeah, thanks, I think so.
It might be that you and I disagree about the extent to which a man has ability/power/authority to shape his home and family. I'm not sure where you draw that line.
But let's take, for example, your discussion of whether or not you tell your wife to go or not to go to a conference or something. Well, I would say that you have given her the freedom to make her own choice here. You certainly, as her husband, have the authority to forbid her from ever attending any conference of any kind. You have that authority because God has given you that authority. I'm not saying that God wants you to forbid your wife from going to all conferences. That's not my point. What I am saying is that your wife goes to a conference because you have given her the freedom to decide whether or not she should go. So even if she is the one deciding to go, she still does so under your authority. You have delegated PART of your authority to her in this matter, because you have granted her the authority to make her own decision here.
In the same way, when your wife disciplines your children, she does so by your authority. You could, if you chose, forbid her from doing any of the discipline. You could tell your wife, look, if the kids need to be spanked or otherwise punished, I'll do it. If the kids need to be nurtured, you'll do it. That way they'll understand this or that principle or whatever. As the man in your household, you have the authority to do this. (I think that would not constitute a wise execution of that authority, mind you, but you HAVE that authority to do as you will, recognizing that you'll have to answer to God for how you have exercised the authority he has given you.)
It's all a question of authority. Your wife has whatever authority you give her. If you're like most people, you give her quite a bit of authority, and quite a bit of freedom.
For instance, again, my wife works. I go to seminary. When my wife works, she is the one doing the work. But notice that if I chose to do so, I could simply tell her to quit her job right now. I could tell her, get on the phone, call your boss, and tell them you're never going back. I have that authority. Sure, she'd protest, but I have the authority. Sometimes it is difficult to get your wife to submit to that authority when she disagrees, but that's where leadership and shepherdship come in. You have the authority, it's up to you to bring about submission to that authority. Anyway, since I can tell her to quit, she therefore works because I allow it.
I am not, by ANY means trying to exalt men over women, as if men are some superior life form or something. But this is the role God has given us, like it or not.
This is why I don't understand men who complain about their wives doing this or that that they don't like. My only question for them is, "Why do you allow it?" Your wife can only do what you allow her to do. She is the WEAKER vessel. She is not the one with authority. You can choose to give up and yield to her, but YOU are the one who is doing the yielding. I would add that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and it is wise to woo your wife rather than rule her with an iron fist. You have to bring it about that she WANTS to submit to your authority. But that too is within your control.
Like it or not, this is the tremendous responsibility that falls on the man's shoulders.
And it's not something to be lorded over our wives, as if they were a lesser life form. For my wife, at least, this is a great comfort. She loves the fact that when a difficult decision arises for her, she doesn't have to make it. She simply lays it at my feet and asks for a verdict.
For example, if her family asks her to come visit, she doesn't have to make up her own mind about whether to stay here with me or to go home to her family. She comes to me, makes her wishes known, which I lovingly consider, but then I am the one who makes the decision.
For any man whose wife makes these kinds of decisions on her own, it is only because he allows that, because he has the power not to allow that. My wife and I are just more deliberate and self consciously aware of that fact, because we've talked about it.
Far from feeling like an oppressed woman whose husband never lets her leave the house, my wife feels a great deal of peace and security, knowing that where I have given her liberty to make her own choices, she is free indeed to make them, and I will not be disappointed with her because of her choice. She doesn't have to guess at what the rules are. She doesn't have to guess at how to please me. We both clearly understand what the rules are. She knows that there are certain decisions that she simply does not make.
Conversely, though I have the authority to make decisions, because I care for my wife, I don't make certain decisions without consulting her advice and desires. If I make a decision on a whim that will make her unhappy, I have not cared for her, putting her first.
This authority must be exercised NOT for MY sake, but for HERS. That's the responsibility of a man. I absolutely rule my household, and there is no ambiguity about who has the authority. But the primary beneficiary of that rule should not be me. The decisions I make are in her favor as much as possible.
It's not my job to order my wife around. It's my job to love her and protect her and act in her best interests.
Because of this principle, it is my job to exercise my authority for her good. So I demand, for example, that she go to church whenever possible on the Lord's Day. That's not negotiable. Why? Because it's for her good. It's just like a parent who demands that their children eat their vegetables. Sometimes they don't like it, but it's good for them.
In the same way, I demand submission. I don't compromise on that. But when she doesn't want to submit, and she makes that known, then I have to figure out why. What about what I want to be done is she objecting to? Is her objection reasonable or not reasonable? Can I answer her objection, or does it win me over? If I can answer the objection to her satisfaction, then she wants to submit, because I have won her over. Conversely, if she wins me over, then I change the decision I want her to submit to, and she once again is pleased to submit.
If a man is not exercising his authority in this way, he is not doing it properly. The analogous relationship between man and wife on the one hand, and Christ and the church on the other is very apt. It's a great analogy, and one we should make use of.
Christ absolutely rules the church. Disobedience is never, ever allowed. Yet he allows us to pray, to ask him for things, and he is pleased to answer our prayers, provided that they are not motivated by sinful desires.
But notice too that Christ WOOS the church. He doesn't only DEMAND - though he does demand - but he brings it about that we WANT to do what he demands. We call this sanctification. Christ woos us by showing us his great love for us by dying for us.
In the same way, we must woo our wives, manifesting our love for them, so that it comes about that they want to do what we demand of them, because they have become convinced that we are acting in love toward them.
So Carolyn's husband demanded that she not participate in this conference. Carolyn did as he demanded. She submitted to him. Ultimately this is because she knows that his demands are loving, with her best interests at heart. Even if she can't always see this clearly, she trusts that it's true, because her husband made a permanent vow to that effect when they were married. If he acts contrary to that, acting unloving toward her, she cannot trust him, and therefore cannot bring herself to submit to him. But if he loves her, then she longs to do whatever he wants her to do, because she longs to please him.
This is why it is absolutely crucial for men to explain two things to their wives as often as possible.
1. That they love her unconditionally, and that love is established by his vow when they were married. Thus his approval of her depends on his own vow. (Approving of her unconditionally is not the same as approving of whatever she does unconditionally.)
2. That God approves of her based on the merits of Christ alone, that she can in no way earn God's approval.
Any and every man everywhere ought to be drilling these two concepts into his wife's head as deeply as possible. He should not at all allow (and I do mean allow) her to think that she's got to attain some ideal in order to earn his approval or the approval of God. No man can possibly allow this.
Do you have any idea how many women out there think that they have to constantly earn their husband's love? Many young girls get talked into having sex before marriage for this reason. They think that by sex they can earn the man's love. This is the way of the world, not the way of God.
We can't earn God's love. Therefore, husbands ought to make sure their wives know that they can earn their love either. God's love is already there for us. He loves us, and nothing can take that away. We men ought also to make sure our wives understand that we have made a VOW to love our wives till death do us part. We cannot and will not undo that vow, according to which our love is already given and assured. Therefore she can't earn my love, because it is already guaranteed.
And she needs to clearly understand that it is not her in any way who guarantees my love for her, or who is even in any kind of control of my love for her. I love my wife because I have determined to love her, and have made a covenant with her to that end. I have promised, and my promise is her assurance. I have given her a ring to signify that promise. If she needs to know if I love her, she need only look at her ring. That says, yes, I love you till death do us part. Now, I continually reaffirm that love for her all the time, because she needs that reassurance.
So too, we all in the church need the reassurance of Christ that he still loves us and that this will never fade away. Thus we need to hear the gospel continually preached, over and over, just like my wife needs to hear that I love her over and over. Her ring is like our baptism. My wedding vows are like God's promises in his Word.
God has covenanted with us: I will be their God, and they will be my people. We are married to God.
Thus we need to look to the relationship between Christ and his church in order to understand our relationship with our wives. Christ brings about our obedience by wooing us. We need to bring about the submission of our wives by wooing them and convincing them and winning them over, just as Christ has won us over by manifesting his great love for us on the cross.
But just as Christ has absolute unquestionable authority over the church, so too does a man have absolute unquestionable authority over his wife. But he needs to exercise SERVANT LEADERSHIP, just like Christ did with the church. It is good to meditate and ponder on these things as much as possible.
Men and women are NOT equals in the context of authority. ANY authority that a wife has is derived from her husband. ANY authority a husband has is derived from God. If your wife disciplines your kids, she does so on your behalf. If she nurtures them, it is in your name. That's why she took YOUR name at your marriage, and not the other way around. Her authority is derivative from you, even as yours is from God.
We should therefore consider that we are acting on God's behalf when we interact with our wives. Thus we should manifest the love of Christ to our wives, because we do so on his behalf. If we are tyrants in our homes, we do so on God's behalf, and what message does that proclaim about God? Do we want our wives and children to think that God is a tyrant, that he is mean and nasty and self serving? No! Everything we do toward our wives and children is on behalf of God. Therefore everything we do and say toward them is a little sermon about God.
Preach the Word.
Act on God's behalf as he would act. Be imitators of God. Lay down your life for your family as Christ did for the church.
Echo_ohcE
Nice sermon echo :)
I can say that when we got married 28 years ago I was stubborn and wanted good reasons to submit to his decisions(busy busy ministry and priority issues). One day after a year or so he sat down in a chair in frustration and said "God,she is so rebellious, she won't submit to me.
He said that immediately, almost like somebody speaking, it was like the Holy Spirit asked him if he was laying down his life to care for me and put my needs first. He was soooo convicted and made a vow right then to put me first.
He said I changed instantly. He didn't tell me a word about what happened for many months, but he said the change in me was so dramatic and so quick it was amazing. A wife somehow on some inutitive level knows when hub cares.
"also, it doesn't resonate with me that a man is somehow the lynchpin to his wife's being, which is actually what i hear from both trueman and carolyn"
I agree, maybe I came off wrong. Every wife will have to give an account to God if she fails to walk in truth, grace, freedom, and joy. Nobody is a victim and no wife can blame a husband for any of her sin or despondency. It is just plain easier to be happy and relaxed when hub bears the pressure, that's all. Trueman can go talk to the wives about the pressure they put on themselves, or talk to the hubs about headship, and while both are valid I think he'd make more progress talking to the hubs. Just my opinion.
Echo, you'll make a fine pastor and preacher; Praise the Lord you can go to seminary. Don't forget one thing- pray pray pray. You can preach truth until you turn blue, but still the Lord moves in hearts and minds as we earnestly pray for Him to move in our midst. Many a disappointed preacher thought just sharing the truth was enough. It isn't...be devoted to prayer and you'll see the Lord change lives.
Good advice. Thanks.
zrim
zrim