Preach It!
Monday, May 14, 2007 at 11:39AM 
Carl Trueman recently made a great point on the Reformation 21 blog (5/4/07):
"In the US (and it is the US -- I have not seen this so much in the UK) , I have lost count of the number of women I have come across, particularly in presbyterian circles, who feel the need to conform to some Reformed cultural norm. You can tell them on the Sundays: the exhausted and haggard mothers whose husbands expect them not only to cook and to clean, but also to home-school the kids. For every omnicompetent wife who seems to be able to run the world and then some, and still look like a million dollars when hubbie gets home for dinner (already on the table, of course), there are ten or more who look crushed and dispirited, who really need to send their kids out of the house in the morning so they can get some rest and some mental sanity, who need their husbands to see the problem and take steps to help them. Are they inadequate as Christian mothers? No. They are crushed by a `Christian' culture that demands their all and gives no slack.
I am no feminist (my wife will confirm my impeccable Neanderthal credentials); I have strong views on women's ordination; but I am saddened by the way Reformed church culture so often tramples its women underfoot with its mindless identification of biblical manhood with something akin to John Wayne and its assumption that all Christian women should make Mary Poppins look domestically incompetent."
Click here: Reformation21 » Reformed Church Culture and Women
Preach it!
Reader Comments (26)
The problem has nothing to do with being Reformed,or school or jobs. It has to do with demanding husbands. And they come in every doctrinal shape and form.
We have had five kids in three Christian schools since 1988 and known scores of homeschoolers and public schoolers from every concievable doctrinal background. There is NO correlation in my experience between school choices, busy homes, and happy or miserable wives. I've seen happy wives in all three school situations and miserable wives in all three. I've seen truly content and warm women who work, and full time homemakers who whine and groan.
A wife reflects her husband's unselfish or selfish heart, and him truly taking the pressure off her emotionally...praying with her, talking about the Lord with her, and being the point man with the kids and discipline. If he doesn't force the kids to toe the line, she'll be miserable whether the kids are homeschooled or go out all day. Most miserable wives I know have hubs who don't pray with them, and pass the discipline off to the wife.
Just thinking about this reminds me of what a gem the Lord gave me :)
A woman's "happiness" doesn't depend on her husband, children, extended family, or job fulfillment. And homeschooling, private Christian schools or public schools are no guarantees of failure or success for our children. Each person must meet God on God's terms and walk in God's ways. Sometimes those ways are hard.
Calvin wrote: [God] allows us to meet with ...affliction. Then, feeling overwhelmed, we admit defeat and humbly call on him for strength, which alone enables us to cope. Even the holiest of men would feel too secure in their own strength, if they were not made to know themselves more thoroughly by the trial of the cross. Then by his grace we shall stand firm to the end, realising that he is true to his promises, and so sure of this that we can be strong in hope.
When I started homeschooling we were some of the first families in our state and county to do so. We attend a PCUSA church and are the only homeschoolers. One of my boys was called a "spoiled brat" by another church youth who attends public school. We all face difficulties.
With reference to Mr. Trueblood's blog, I've never been accused of "looking like a million dollars," but being a mom, wife, teacher, neighbor, friend, church member, etc. is hard work. Throw in those extra trials and tribulations (health, financial set-backs, dust bunnies on the stairs, etc.) to bring out godly character and life can be a bit stressful. But not to worry, women who lean hard on God can handle it.
Been reflecting on this......
There is something I think somebody ought to say, and since nobody else said it, it may as well be me who says it.
The words "exhausted, haggard, crushed and dispirited" appear above, when CT stands and looks at certain wives. His solution? Change the outer circumstances.
Now, there may be plenty of wisdom there. But on the other hand, I think he may be clueless about the real solution. The real solution is what hubby says from his heart when he walks in the door and during the rest of the evening.
I have five kids, in-law care issues, helping parents issues, church responsibility, and the normal stresses of life. There are days I throw on my jeans and oldest most confortable sneakers, brush my hair in a flash, forget earrings, and by dinner probably look like the queen of the bag ladies. Many days I might look stressed and exhausted and haggard to brother Trueman.
But you know what? Every day hub asks me if he told me yet today that he loves me. He tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world, all the time. When my clothes come off he says I am the se*iest woman on earth and I drive him wild. No matter how hard life gets, and it can get real hard, no matter what other people think when they look at me, I know that when hub looks at me he sees the most wonderful, beautiful, se*y woman in the world. So I am not "dispirited."
The first question Carl Truman needs to ask women he pastors and their husbands- (I asssume he is a pastor?)- is not what her schedule is like and what can be changed with her daily obligations. The questions he needs to ask her are:
Does he make you feel like the se*iest girl on the planet? Does he say you drive him wild when the clothes come off? Does he kiss you a good smooching smacker on the lips every single day, and tell you how beautiful you are and how much he loves you, even when you look like you just crawled out a tin shack next to the garbage dumps of Manila?
No offense Carl, but guys are just clueless about women sometimes. Take it from one who knows, the problem with those dispirited gals is a lot bigger than all the responsibility she has on her plate.
I agree that a lot of Reformed men abuse their authority over women. I've noticed that at one of the past churches I attended (which had a huge theonomist bent, BTW). At other churches, I've noticed the exact opposite. A lot depends on the elder board and the pastor. They set the tone.
OT: Have any women here read 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,' by Laura Schlessinger? I just wanted some opinions, that's all. My wife was given it by one of her friends.
we have moved from being tangibly materialistic (read; stuff) to being intangibly materialistic (read: time and energy). makes sense. it's considered crass to talk about your bank accounts, boats and cars (sorry, kim) but we may hide our pride in presumably "complaining" about how tired we are...it's because we're so darn cool being so much in demand from allour actities. my SIL actually admitted she hadn't seen her husband for 3 days straight recently. i thought, 'should you not be a little embarrassed to admit such a thing?' to make it extra spicy, she's one of those 'family values' evangies! oops.
zrim
carolyn, your posts are too much! but you make one great point: why do men think they know how to solve women's problems? his post makes your point that we men ought to shut up before mounting our white steeds. oy.
zrim
It's all about sin. Afterall, Eve's weakness was to "improve" matters by partaking of fruit that would give wisdom.
Carolyn,
I don't mean any offense or anything, but you're being WAY to hard on Carl Trueman. The poor guy is noticing women who are haggard because they're trying to live up to some perceived ideal, one which they might not be able to attain to, or maybe shouldn't be trying to attain to.
But by that, he's not saying that women are doing this to themselves. He's asking the church to look at the ideal it is holding out to its women. He's saying, hey, church, what ideas are you putting into these women's heads?
I'll grant that it's important for a husband to be constantly verbally reassuring his wife that he loves her unconditionally, and he should also be confessing that to her with his interactions with her. I do that with my wife.
But I am not my wife's only husband. Her happiness is not solely derived from an unconditionally favorable judgment from me. She also needs the approval of God, as we all do.
If the church - which speaks on God's behalf, especially, but not limited to, the preaching minister - is sending the message to women that they have to live up to a certain ideal before they will have the church's approval, then this is something that should be addressed, and Carl Trueman is right to address it.
Women need to hear the same message from the church that men do: God approves of us completely and totally independently from anything we do. He approves of us because of the merits of Christ alone.
The problem that Trueman has exposed is people who fail to understand the gospel properly. He is talking about women who are trying to EARN approval by dressing the right way, homeschooling their kids, etc, etc, etc. There is, as he said, a cultural norm that they are trying to conform to. This - for many, though certainly not all - has replaced CHRIST as the norm to conform to.
And Christ's norm is given in Scripture. Nowhere in Scripture are we commanded to homeschool. Indeed, we are to train our children. But there's no shame in sending kids to school.
One of the problems people seem to have in reformed circles is that they often try to conform to external things, rather than really understanding what it's all about. Thus, families that are new to it all, but don't really understand it, think that if they homeschool, for example, then everyone will think them very pious. Meanwhile, these parents have no idea what consistent discipline is, so the poor wife is stuck at home all day with kids she has no idea how to discipline properly. I've seen families just like this. It's like Jesus' analogy of the whitewashed tomb. Nice and white and clean on the outside, but inside, rot and decay and death.
But it all goes back to the gospel. Is it any wonder that in a time when the preaching of the gospel is something considered to be optional that people are killing themselves trying to live up to cultural norms that they are by no means equipped to live up to?
Is it any wonder that in a day and age when you can be almost as likely to hear a moralistic sermon from a reformed pulpit as any other, that people are trying to earn God's approval by works?
The root of the problem is not women who try to do too much, though that's part of it.
The root of the problem is not men who fail to tell their wives how beautiful they are all the time, though that's involved in it.
The root of the problem is not the mothers who CAN homeschool their children and the example they set, setting the bar too high for some to attain it.
The root of the problem is people who don't understand the gospel, because the guy in the pulpit isn't committed to preaching it EVERY WEEK.
If it's NOT being preached EVERY WEEK, you can bet your last dollar that people WON'T GET IT. And if they don't get it, they will ONLY try to earn their salvation by works, because that's our natural, idolatrous impulse that refuses to accept that that is impossible.
It is impossible for us to earn our salvation or to earn God's approval. Only Christ can do that.
And the man who fails to bring THIS GOSPEL every single week, without exception, is FAILING his office. He is FAILING to handle the Word of God properly, he is failing to preach it properly, he is failing to instruct his hearers properly, failing to shepherd them properly. He is like the wicked shepherds of Israel who, rather than protect the flock, clothes himself in the wool and eats the fat, yes, he devours the very flock he is supposed to be guarding and nurturing.
Christ is the Good Shepherd. He gives HIS flesh to the sheep to eat.
The man who fails to sing this refrain every week has BLOWN IT and he will stand before God someday and give an account. Hopefully, before it comes to that point, someone in his congregation will find his backbone and confront him, or even bring charges if need be.
There is only ONE PROBLEM that we have, and that's sin. There is only ONE SOURCE for sin: unbelief. There is only ONE CURE for unbelief: faith comes through hearing the Word of Christ - that is, the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation.
The law is POWERLESS to bring about the obedience it requires. It is USELESS to do that. It can direct our gospel-powered motivation, to teach us how to live according to God's law, but the law cannot bring the desire to obey it. Only, only, only the gospel can do that.
The ONLY cure for sin is the hearing of the gospel, the message that Jesus Christ FIXED our sin problem on the cross 2000 years ago. Hearing it and believing it is our only means of salvation, because HE is our only means of salvation.
The problem isn't primarily husbands or the culture of the reformed: it's worthless, sinful, nauseating, moralistic preaching that oppresses and victimizes even the strongest Christians.
Give me the gospel in every sermon, or I'm better off at home.
Moralistic preachers, beware: Christ is coming, and he knows what you've done. He knows you have claimed his authority to speak, yet haven't spoken what he has said. He knows you have bungled the Word of God. He is coming, and he holds the keys to Death and Hades, and he brings judgment.
I have no use for moralism, because THIS is the result, what Trueman talks about. Poor, oppressed, haggard people trying to earn their salvation. It makes me sick.
Next time, I'll give you the unedited version.
Echo_ohcE
you know i feel the same way about moralism and moralistic preaching, etc., so golf clap to your sentiments (however indulgently expressed). but...
"Women need to hear the same message from the church that men do: God approves of us completely and totally independently from anything we do. He approves of us because of the merits of Christ alone."
then He doesn't approve of us in ourselves, echo, does He?
seems to me that the cultic/eternal truths we confess are after that which is transcendent our cultural/temporal concerns, which is to say, we may legitimately visit our shrink during the week but on Sunday we are doing something quite alien to what our therapy is after.
i am always bothered by what always seems to be veiled ways to do the therapeutic. it's not that the therapeutic is wrong, so much as it gets misplaced, which is to say, God is not our divine shrink. there is a place for legit therapeutic, etc., but it's not in our theology. i don't think there is something wrong in looking for approval per se. i do think there is a place for some common sense here. let's not over do it. there is such a thing as self-confidence, no matter how wrong the self-esteem doctrines get it.
zrim
As a woman who frequently ends-up "counseling" women in the church ensnared in idolizing their families; focused on doing XYZ to be "submissive"; Pvb 31 woman, Etc., they seem to have "no time" to study the doctrines of grace.
Yes, they pursue a myriad of activities/classes (eg. marriage counseling; making sure the kids are involved in as many activities as possible; Latin; music; sports Etc.) but seriously engage in the weekly subjects offered at church that edify faith? NOooooo!
We get the Gospel, straight-up each week, thank God.
Sometimes its the residue toxin left by moralistic teachings; much of it is the whole "Mary vs. Martha" thing!
My husband isn't saved. Nine years ago I did a radical thing: stopped marriage counseling and began sober study of theology, in spite of problems in the marriage. My locus of study was the doctrine of justification, as is today. My husband is still not saved.
But everything has changed, in ways beyond all telling...
I sure don't want to minimize the problem of works righteousness that you so elequently expressed. And you are 100% correct that when shepherds start to lay burdens on women and families that exceed the commands of scripture, it is terrible.
I am sure we can exchange horror stories. I've sat in a Reformed pew many years ago and heard with my own ears about how homeschooling is God's ideal will (and there was a great Christian school nearby)... and it is God's will to have no TV in the home, NEVER let the kids go on the internet, etc. Like somehow they will never be defiled if you remove everything outside of them.
But, I still have to repeat, when wifey is haggard and dispirited, the problem isn't the preacher or the church. Ultimately, it is hubby ( or wife who won't listen to hubby). When it comes to the wife's priorities during the week, she submits to her husband, 100%. Not the elders and not the pastors.
They have ZERO authority over the role of the wife in her home and her priorities, unless it becomes a matter of discipline if she is gossiping and slandering,or in adultery, or some such thing, and still going to church.
We have had three churches in our past 27 years of marriage where hubby (as a man in leadership) said to pastor that I was NOT going to some extra women's thing. Churches can grind women into the ground with conferences and women's meetings and teas and couples training.I have actually had a pastor go behind hub's back and call me and tell me to go to an all day seminar and ignore my husband. Another elder accused me of being unsubmissive to God's call on hubby because I did not want to attend some intense midweek classes (with homework) during a soccer season with four boys on three teams. Hub had told them flat out I wasn't coming.
So again, hub ultimately decides if you stay in a bad church or not. Mine has reluctantly left two churches where he would have preferred to stay and fight it out when there were problems,but he saw the emotional toll it was taking on me. And my hub has had to put his foot down and say "you are NOT GOING" to endless invitations to baby showers, wedding showers, parties for tupperware and baskets and glass stuff and Discovery toys and every single thing women can try and sell on this planet.
So again, I agree with you about what needs to be preached from the pulpit. But if it isn't being preached, hub needs to protect the wife, take a stand, put his foot down, and if necessary, find another church. That miserable dispirited wife may have a problematic pastor, but if hub does his job, she will end up content and happy, and probably in a better church before too long.
Just my take on it :)
I don't follow your point.
E
I suggest that you take a very close look at 1 Cor 7. You said nothing at all to indicate that you have given up hope for your husband, but you may rest assured that your faith is a light shining in darkness, and the darkness will not ever overcome it, because it cannot overcome it. That light persists and cannot ever be extinguished. I would not promise you that one day it will sink in, but your husbands continual exposure to the light of the gospel through you - well, there is no better way for the unsaved to see the light other than a constant exposure to it. There is much reason for hope.
And remember what Shadrach, Meshach and Abedniggo said: Our God is able to deliver us, but even if he does not, we will still not bow the knee.
Your God is able to save your husband through your witness. But even if he does not, do not lose hope; keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy (of purchasing YOUR salvation) set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Run your race with endurance: he who formed the eye will surely see, and knows how to reward those who remain true to him. He is your eschatological husband, with whom we will all have a far richer union than that which can be achieved in this life.
Sometimes we are tempted to lose heart when we read the words of Jesus that if we ask anything in his name, he will do it, because sometimes we really beg and beg and beg of him to save our loved ones, or something along those lines, and it just doesn't happen.
But consider this. Bill Gates doesn't play the lottery. Why doesn't he play it? Because if he won, it wouldn't mean that much to him, because his bank account dwarfs whatever the lottery would give him.
When we read these passages that tell us that God will give us whatever we ask, we should remember our eternal inheritance: all things, Paul said. God himself, our husband and God. Jesus Christ, our husband, at the last day; he is our inheritance, for I am my beloved's, and he is mine, his banner over me is love. In light of this, let us ask this question: how could even being given billions of dollars ADD anything to our inheritance in the age to come? If we will inherit the earth, all things, indeed even God himself in perfect unity with us and with each other - then what does our suffering in this life do to take away from that? Nothing, ultimately. In fact, our suffering in this life even adds to his glory, because it shows how strong he is to save us in the end, how the light in us cannot be overcome, despite whatever the darkness may throw at it.
So don't lose heart. God is able to save your husband, and all the right things are in place for that to happen. But even if he does not, let us keep focused on Jesus, who laid down his precious life for us, only to take it back up again and lead us into glory.
There is always reason for hope.
Echo_ohcE
If only there were more husbands like yours.
(sigh)
Thanks for bringing a good balance to my comments. You're absolutely right. Ultimately if the preaching is garbage and worthless, as all moralistic preaching necessarily is, then we men in the pews have the responsibility to either bring charges (after personal confrontation of course), or leave. I personally advocate confronting such things rather than just leaving, for the sake of the other poor souls who are suffering under such a yoke.
But the problem is, if the gospel isn't being preached, most people don't see much of a problem with it, or if they do see a problem with it, they can't put their finger on it. Why is this? Simply put, it is because if you aren't in a church where the gospel is consistently being preached out of all of Scripture, it would never occur to you that that's what's supposed to be done! It is only when we sit under the gospel proclamation out of all of Scripture, week in and week out, that it begins to dawn on us that this is how it's supposed to be done. Those poor souls who sit under moralistic preaching don't know what's wrong. They think they're hearing the Word of God. The only laymen in this world who know that the gospel is supposed to be preached every single sermon with NO exceptions, are those few privileged souls who have not only been blessed with sitting under such preaching, but have also understood what makes that preaching so much better. Because it's quite common, even likely, that many in a church where the gospel is faithfully preached, would also be content in a church where it isn't! That's just our wicked sinful nature. And I know it because I have seen a church have solid gospel preaching, and then be perfectly content to listen to moralistic, therapeutic nonsense, and blissfully declare that all things are continuing as they have been from the beginning. I don't get it.
For my part, I have been quite blessed to have had these things pointed out to me, and I have been given the privilege of going to seminary. One day it will be me standing up in the pulpit, and you can bet that perhaps my top priority will be to convey to the people that the gospel must absolutely be preached from all of Scripture. There is no part of Scripture that doesn't point us to the gospel. And I am passionate about doing that. I'm not just passionate about preaching the gospel every week, but about conveying the message that there is no other way to do it properly.
I praise God for the language of the OPC's new directory of public worship that will hopefully be voted on this summer. It says that handling the Word of God properly means ALWAYS SETTING FORTH CHRIST. I can't wait for that language to be adopted. I hope that men in other denominations will read it and be influenced by it. I hope it creates a big stir, and people sit up and take notice, because it's absolutely true. If you haven't preached the gospel, you haven't handled the Word of God properly.
But anyway, I'm passionate about conveying this to the people in the pew, because even if I'm always preaching the gospel, if they don't know why, they'll eventually move away, or I'll go somewhere else, and they won't understand what they're supposed to be seeking, and therefore they won't seek it, and therefore they won't find it.
Pastors who are faithfully preaching the gospel do well, pastors who constantly tell their congregation, whether in the sermons or in Sunday School or in conversations, that this is CRUCIAL to proper preaching do even better, because you equip the people to discern shepherds from predators.
I would encourage EVERY Christian to buy a good solid book on preaching and read it and think about it. Such understanding is invaluable for those who do not preach, that they might understand what preaching is all about.
Dennis Johnson's recent book, "Him We Proclaim" is an excellent example of just such a book. He is an easy to read writer, and his arguments are sound as can be. Such a book would be a real eye opener for ANY Christian. But there are many other good ones out there. Read the good ones, and read the bad ones too. The bad ones will help crystallize what bad preaching is trying to do, and will only help you more readily recognize it. So go get a book on preaching, whoever you are, and read it and think about it. Talk to your pastor about it. Be interested in what is going on in the pulpit. This is especially important for men to do, especially if they plan to be an elder someday. Elders are responsible for keeping pastors in check. Of course, laymen are too. There is no such thing as a Christian who doesn't need to think about what preaching is supposed to be accomplishing, and how it's supposed to accomplish it.
In fact, I might go so far as to say that aside from understanding the gospel, for the layman, the next most important thing for them to understand is preaching.
How can you responsible choose what to eat at a restaurant if you have no idea what you're supposed to be eating? Do you order the boiled shoe, or do you order a steak? Sitting under moralistic preaching is like going to a restaurant and ordering a tennis shoe for your dinner. Before you go to a restaurant, you need to know something about food, at least what food is and what it isn't. There are a lot of restaurants out there serving tree branches and tennis shoes.
Learn about preaching - especially you men, you heads of households. If you let your family sit under moralistic preaching, if you take them out for dinner and let them order a shoe - you will give an account to God. Carolyn is right. This is part of a man's responsibility to his family.
E
Christ, alone, is our best reward.
r.
that is ok, neither do i. it was one of those posts where i had very little time and was more or less thinking out loud. sorry.
i guess my point is that in these discussions i still hear latent mixes of therapeutic (temporal) with theology (eternal messages). i hear latent messages that if i just follow certain religious prescriptions in my home my wife will be all well. i have never bought in to this idea that it all rests on a man's shoulders (maybe that is what trueman is getting after with his john wayne idea?). i am sure i will hear protest, but i can't help but intuit some simplistic messages trying to combat other simplistic messages--sorry, carolyn.
also, it doesn't resonate with me that a man is somehow the lynchpin to his wife's being, which is actually what i hear from both trueman and carolyn, depsite the latter's protestation's to the former. i am happily married, hate "moralistic preaching," lead (read: regular catechism/family worship and prayer, stickler for regular sabbath worship/keeping, church life) in my home, have well-adjusted kids, etc. but i don't decide for my wife whether she will go to a conference, etc. also, she is home all day with the kids...she better be adept at some level of discipline and not wait for me to do it, although i do do it (although i would concede discipline falls on me primarily and nurture on her; i nurture but not like her; she disciplines but not like me). i expect my wife to "be at the front of the line" and pull her weight, just like i do.
btw, we have 2 girls. while i try to balance encouraging them to retain a feminine dimension, i don't coddle them and do expect them to take full responsibility for themselves, etc.
that any better?
zrim