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"Amillennialism 101" -- Audio and On-Line Resources
« About as Tacky as It Gets | Main | Who Said That? »

You Know You Are Not Reformed If . . .


You know you are not Reformed if


. . . you think the Apostles Creed is the guy who fought Rocky in Rocky I.

. . . you think the Canons of Dort are like the Guns of Navarrone.

. . . you think Ursinus is a nasal condition.

. . . you think Arminians are the people who run convenience stores.

. . . you think the Belgic Confession was from WWII war crimes trials.

. . . you think “popery” in the church makes it smell flowery.

. . . you think the psalter goes with the pepper shaker.

. . . you think unconditional election is a practice of communist dictatorships.

. . . the only “kirk” you know is from Star Trek.

. . . you think the Three Forms of Unity are health, wealth, and happiness.

. . . you think “catechism” and “dogma” relate to pets.

. . . you think Post Tenebras Lux is a breakfast cereal (it’s actually the motto of post-Reformation Geneva).

(h.t. Pat Yamada)

Can you think of more? 

References (4)

References allow you to track sources for this article, as well as articles that were written in response to this article.
  • Response
  • Response
    Kim Riddlebarger gives us a Foxworthy-esque list: “You know you are not Reformed if… you think the Apostles Creed is the guy who fought Rocky in Rocky I.” Read them all. (Update: our own Patrick added some more.)...
  • Response
    Response: A La Carte (08/21)
    Monday August 21, 2006...
  • Response
    Response: CHANCES ARE...
    Jeff Foxworthy has a bit he does that is more or less so famous it's become annoying, yet still makes me laugh: "you might be a redneck if..." There are many lists and quotes on the net finishing this with a wide variety of ways that suggest you probably are a redneck if they describe you.

Reader Comments (28)

. . . you don't know why some people put periods in the word T.U.L.I.P.

. . . you think the guy talking about irresistable grace must have a girlfriend named Grace.

. . . you think particular redemption has to do with coupons that can only be used in specific stores.

. . . you think the five solas is a follow-up album to the three tenors.

. . . you think the White Horse Inn should be avoided because it sounds like they might serve alcohol there.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTaliesin
Rats! I was so close to being Reformed.

Then I noticed that Arminians don't run convenience stores. So what are they? Accountants?

(By the way, does the world expert on Calvinism [i.e., Dave Hunt] have any new books out? We can't take our own firewood out west, but I'm thinking I could use a few useless books to start a campfire... Ah yes, if DH books work in this way, I think I'll market them under the title "What Campfire Starter Is This?")
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWayne Rohde
Great stuff--and I needed a laugh just now too.

Especially the Apostles Creed line. (Although that's not as exclusively Reformed as others)
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterpilgrim think Beza is a spice that tastes great with chicken.

...worship is the thing that your church does for 20 minutes before the preacher gets up there. think that imputation has to do with data entry.

August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRick B.
You think propitiation is for hair loss.

(see reference from Merck
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterT. think Cornelius Van Til founded a university. hear "B.B. Warfield" and immediately whip out your pellet gun or air rifle in response. exclaim, "Hey, I've been to Little Saigon" when someone mentions Westminster. (For my SoCal amigos y amigas.) say, "Gezunteit!" after someone mentions Kuyper. respond, "Yeah, I loved those creatures in LOTR, too" when you hear about Oliphant. wonder, "Maybe they're the new Destiny's Child?" after you hear someone mention Puritan divines.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPatrick Chan think Calvin is a comic strip character. (Probably an obvious one!) think Zwingli is a sound effect made when Wile E. Coyote fails to catch the Road Runner.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPatrick Chan
...if you think that justification has to do with aligning the margins of a text.

...if, instead of 'Westminster', you say 'Westminister'.

...if at the sound of 'Calvin' you automatically think of Hobbes.

...if your favorite Wesley is John.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSean Choi mentally rifle through C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy in the hopes of remembering which creature "Melancthon" refers to.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPatrick Chan call yourself a 4 (or 3, or 2 or 1) point calvinist. those are called semi-pelagians who, for some odd reason, want to be called calvinists. call yourself a 5 point calvinist until you're blue in the face but turn even bluer when it is then suggested you dump altar calls, sinner's prayers, rededictaions or anything that even remotely resembles them because you simply don't know what to do with yourself and your hearers after the Law has been presented.

August 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterzrim
...Some vandal ripped all of Paul's letters out of your Bible and you never knew that they were missing.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRick B.
OK, I've got more.

...someone is talking about Meredith Kline's new book and you respond with, "I've never read her before."

...someone is talking about Kim Riddlebarger's new...(nah, I won't)'re daring to be a Daniel, daring to stand alone.

...He walks with you and talks with you when you're in the garden alone...and along life's narrow way. And you hear Him pass in the rustling grass.

August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRick B.
We don't have one to add......but really needed a good laugh, and you all provided it! Especially Rick and the 'nah I won't'. To funny!!
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterplw
... you check out The Rapture Index for anything but a laugh.

... you need a 2' x 6' timeline to figure out the essentials of the end times.

... you can resist checking out the latest post at the Riddleblog.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWayne Rohde
Nice job all of you. Great stuff. My favorite has to be " think particular redemption has to do with coupons that can only be used in specific stores." besides the Meredith and Kim ones.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMark Vander Pol are Roman Catholic... are a fundamentalist... are a revivalist...
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterzrim think pelagianism is wrong because one should always do original work.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEric think A Case for Amillennialism is a box in which you store the works of men like Hoekema, Kline and Bavinck.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterR.J. Stevens
... if you are not shocked by the song lyrics "I found Jesus"

... if you think the Diet of Worms sounds disgusting

... if your children sing that knowing God is "wicked"

... if you think man's chief end has something to do with his rear end

... if you think Martin Luther was an American political activist

... if you have to ask whether the "regulative principle of worship" allows the use of smoke machines or not
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMark Heath
OK, this is my last one. hear "presupp" and you think of appetizers.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRick B.

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