Gotta Get Me an "Armor-Bearer"

I hear of such things going on in churches, but it is still hard for me to accept the fact that they really do.

In a recent opinion piece, J. Lee Grady (former editor of Charisma Magazine) mentions what he considers to be six really bad charismatic doctrines (h. t. Gene Veith).   

Only six?  Obviously, a subject for discussion another time.  But two of the six Grady mentions are simply incomprehensible to me. 
(6 Really Bad Charismatic Doctrines)

Number Three is bad enough . . .

3. Inaccessible leadership. In the 1980s, some charismatic ministries began to teach pastors and traveling ministers that in order to “protect the anointing,” they must stay aloof from people. Ministers were warned to never make friends in their congregations. Preachers began the strange practice of skipping worship on Sunday mornings—and then appearing on the stage only when it was time for the sermon in order to make a dramatic entrance. Shame on these people for attempting to justify arrogance. Jesus loved people, and He made Himself available to them. So should we.

I wonder if the elders would let me "hide" in back and then pop out at the pulpit at some dramatic moment?  Avoid making friends, and visiting with church members?  What an impoverished ministerial call and cold church that would be!

But it is number four on Grady's list which blows my mind:

4. Armor-bearers. The same guys who developed item No. 3 started this strange fad. Preachers began the practice of surrounding themselves with an entourage: one person to carry the briefcase, another person to carry the Bible, another to carry the handkerchief. Some preachers hired bodyguards … and even food-tasters! The armor-bearers were promised special blessings if they served preachers who acted like slave-owners. Reminder: True leaders are servants, not egomaniacs.

Can I really get someone to taste the food for me before the church potluck?  Someone to carry my bookbag, or extra-handkerchiefs--even though one is plenty, since a handkerchief stuffed in someone else's pocket usually doesn't do much but gross out others forced to touch it?  Some of these guys sweat up a storm--one Jesus-only type comes to mind.  People really expect to get healed from touching one of these guy's handkerchiefs?

We can even give the person a cool biblical sounding title--"armor-bearer."  I'm all for reasonable church security, but "armor-bearer," "food-taster" and personal butler?  We better dash off an overture to classis.  We are doing things all wrong . . .

But anyone I hired to protect me would be far more likely to be associated with terms like "armor-piercing" and "body-armor" than with "armor-bearer."

Amazing . . .

Miracles? Not So Fast! UFOs? No Problem . . .

The Rev. Barry Downing, a retired Presbyterian minister living in the UK, has trouble accepting the historicity of the miracles in the Bible.  Many people do.  That is why they are theological liberals!

But Rev. Downing is not satisfied with the usual path taken by the libs--that the events are mythological.  No, he says the miracle stories in the Bible are not mythological.  Instead, they reflect human encounters with superior alien technology.  Not miracles, but UFOs

Take, for example, the miracles associated with Israel's exodus from Egypt.  God didn't part the Red Sea, a spaceship did.  Says Downing, "The Jewish people didn't know about Einstein's theory of relativity or about force fields and so, the language they use is like a stunning glance: The Lord in the pillar of cloud and the fire looked down."

Those poor unenlightened fundamentalists . . .  How do they miss the obvious?

When Jan Crouch (from TBN) Questions Your Orthodoxy . . .

This is an old audio clip, but is worth hearing again (it was posted on the Issues, Etc. website).  If you haven't heard this, it is well worth it.  I'll bet you didn't know Adam could do that . . .

http://www.issuesetc.org/podcast/sbotwhinn.mp3

Just When I Think I've Heard It All . .

From the Religious New Service (Click here: Religion News Service)

President Bush, when asked by EWTN anchor Raymond Arroyo: “When you look into Benedict XVI's eyes, what do you see?”

“God.”

Funny, when I see Benedict XVI, I see a brilliant and formidable theologian (Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger), who now presides over a church which officially denies the gospel of justification sola fide. 

I also see a man who has rather odd taste in shoes.  Click here: Riddleblog - The Latest Post - A Fashion Statement
 

Who Saw the UFO?

One of the current presidential candidates claims to have seen a UFO.  If you guessed it was Dennis Kucinich, you'd be correct.

According to a new book by Shirley MacLaine (Click here: Kucinich sees UFO, new book claims - OPENERS - Ohio Politics Blog by The Plain Dealer), Congressman Kucinich "had a close sighting over my home in Graham, Washington, when I lived there. Dennis found his encounter extremely moving. The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him. It hovered, soundless, for ten minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn't comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind."

Now if you were from another planet, would you come all the way to earth to observe Congressman Kucinich on Shirley MacLaine's porch?  Proof positive that there is no intelligent life in outer space.  

The Perils of Finding a Minister on Craig's List

It seems like bizarre clergy stories come in bunches.  This one may just take the cake.

According to an article on Katu.com (a TV station in Portand, OR), Shawn Sonnenschien and his fiance Kitty, wanted to get married but didn't have a pastor.  So, they found a minister who advertised her services on Craig's List.  The wedding went off as planned, but the newlyweds were surprised that their 75 or so guests left so few presents.  The couple dealt with their disappointment just fine, until they realized that their guests had planned all along to give them gift cards from Home Depot to help the newlyweds complete repairs to their home.

Turns out that the guests were quite generous.  The problem was that minister-ette they hired to do their ceremony had swiped all the gift cards!  Surveillance tapes at the local Home Depot showed the rent-a-reverend cashing them in (Click here: Reverend accused of stealing couple's gift cards | KATU - Portland, Oregon | Local & Regional).

OK, no more of these for a while . . . 

Priest's Revenge Backfires

Remember the Seinfeld episode in which Jerry decides to heckle a woman while she's at work because the same woman had heckled him on stage the night before?  The moral is "how would hecklers like it, if they got heckled?"

Here is a case of a priest who played someone's phone message complaining about his sermon to the entire congregation.  "How would you like it if I turned the tables and complained about your complaint?" 

The man in question (Angel Llavona) didn't like it one bit.  Llavona had complained about his priest's sermon, leaving a message on the priest's answering machine.  "Father Rios, this is Angel Llavona. I attended mass on Sunday and I have seen poor homilies, but yesterday broke all records."  The priest was a tad miffed, so the next Sunday he played Llavona's phone message to the assembled congregation (which just happened to include Mr. Llavona).  Rios then asked the congregation, "what should we do?  Should we send him (Mr. Llavona) to Hell or to another Parish?"

Not surprisingly, Mr. Llavona is suing the priest and the diocese for emotional distress from embarrassment and humiliation. (Click here: Priest's response to criticism leads to lawsuit :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Metro & Tri-State).

The moral to the story here is "don't publicly humiliate those who complain about your preaching."  Or at least make sure they are not in the congregation when you do!

All kidding aside, this is one of the reasons why we in the Reformed tradition have elder visits (the elders come and visit church members), so that if the preaching is not meeting the needs of the congregation it can be discussed privately and dealt with by those elders who are responsible for overseeing the work of their pastor. 

Can't Live This One Down

The man in the picture is Bob Dougherty.  No doubt, you don't know him--at least by his given name.  But this is the poor fellow who was the victim of a prankster at a Home Depot in Louisville.  He found himself super-glued to a toilet seat in the men's room--surely his most embarrassing moment.  He's now suing Home Depot.

Sadly, Bob Dougherty falls into a diabetic coma.  And what's the headline?  You can read it here:  Click here: Rocky Mountain News - Denver and Colorado's reliable source for breaking news, sports and entertainment: Local.  The good news is that Bob has recovered.

There are some things, I guess, you can just never live down.  Being super-glued to a toilet seat in a Home Depot is one of them. 

"Oh, you're the guy who was . . . "  

Join 99,999 Others and Purchase Your Very Own Relic!

If you've ever wanted your own relic, now is your chance!  A cassock worn by John Paul II has been cut into 100,000 pieces which are being sold to the faithful.

"Devotees of John Paul can apply via e-mail, fax or post for fragments of a white cassock to augment their prayers. A cassock worn by John Paul has reportedly been cut into 100,000 pieces to satisfy demand.

The scheme is run by the Vicariate of Rome, which is promoting sainthood for John Paul. The faithful also receive a `holy card' with a prayer to `obtain graces through the intercession of John Paul II'.

The Vicariate said that it has been overwhelmed by requests for the relics, with priority now being given to those who were praying for the sick or were themselves seriously ill" (Click here: Pope's robe cut up for 100,000 'holy relics' -Times Online).

Shop now to avoid the Christmas rush! 

Gird Up Your Loins!

All you TBN fans might be interested in this bit of news.  Juanita Bynum was assaulted by her husband yesterday, Bishop Thomas Weeks III.  Mr. and Mrs. Weeks, of course, lead marriage seminars around the country.

I once saw Juanita Bynum preach a sermon on TBN in which she issued a call to men to exercise headship.  She kept yelling (screaming?) over and over again (with a voice that could melt glass) "gird up your loins!"  Its a wonder she could even speak afterward.

Bynum, who calls herself a "prophetess," is a former hairdresser and flight attendant, the perfect resume to be a regular preacher/prophetess on TBN.  Her lavish (dare I say it, garish) wedding to Bishop Thomas Weeks III was broadcast live on TBN back in 2002.  That tells you all you need to know about her role in certain Pentecostal circles.

Sadly, Bishop Weeks was arrested outside a hotel in Atlanta for assaulting her.  They are currently separated (Click here: Bishop charged with attacking evangelist wife | ajc.com).  While there is never any justification whatsoever for domestic violence and the good Bishop belongs in the slammer if he assaulted her, I cannot help but wonder if the breaking point for Weeks is that he finally had enough of being told to "gird up his loins."  

Meanwhile, Reformed Chicks Blabbling tells the whole sordid tale far better than I ever could (Click here: Reformed Chicks Blabbing: Juanita Bynum was attacked by her husband)  . . .