What If Calvinists Became the Majority . . . Not Gonna Happen . . . But What If . . .
Thursday, June 4, 2009 at 04:12PM 
Attendance at Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston would decline rapidly to the point that the property would be sold back to the city of Houston to pay off ministry debts. It would then be re-converted into a basketball arena.
Cigar smoking would once again be permitted in coffee houses, libraries, and sports venues. It would become commonplace for people to gather in such places (without being treated like a criminal) to talk about theology, politics, literature, fine arts, and music and enjoy a good cigar along with an adult beverage, tea, or coffee.
Reading habits would change. Grand theological libraries would be all the rage. World Magazine's top-ten best-seller list (the New York Times will quickly go belly-up because nothing in it is fit to print) will be dominated by theology, literature, and history titles. Poorly written legal thrillers, Rapture novels, and self-help books will be a thing of the past. The ESV Study Bible would sit near the top the best-seller list, followed by various theological reprints (mostly Puritan and continental Reformed writers) and biblical commentaries.
Fine beers and microbrews would no longer be taxed. Taxes would be tripled on cheap domestic beer however.
Single malt scotch wouldn't be taxed either, and all tariffs on such imports would be revoked. At the same time, alcoholism declines rapidly.
Businesses would voluntarily close on Sunday so people could both worship and rest on the Lord's Day.
Most TV networks will disappear--since very few people are still watching TV. The History Channel will finally produce a documentary on the Book of Revelation which does not mention Nostradamus and in which Greg Beale is the featured expert. Rod Rosenbladt takes Larry King's place and ratings skyrocket!
Voter registration would skyrocket for virtually all political parties and there would be spirited political debate before elections. Election turnout would be very high and people would gladly accept the outcome of these election as the will of God. No current US Senators will ever be elected to office again, and the seventeenth amendment will be quickly repealed.
The "National Cathedral" would be returned to the Episcopal Church for use in the ordination of gay, Arian, and Pelagian bishops. But no more state-sponsored religious services will ever be held there, or anywhere else for that matter.
All cats would be licensed and spayed and neutered before reproducing. Tax breaks (equivalent to that of a dependant child) will be given to dog owners.
No, I haven't become postmillennial! Just having fun!
Reader Comments (42)
Well, it already is at MY HOUSE...
...as long as my wife doesn't have a problem with it. ;-)
Actually, a majority of the Calvinists I meet are cat owners if they have a pet at all. I mean, I've actually watched people go Calvinist and simultaneously gain an affection for cats. It was the watered-down, seeker sensitive preachers I knew that owned dogs -- go figure! I began to muse that having a quiet, self-maintaining animal reserved more time and focus for some good and theological bible studying. But to each their own!
... I admit that as a Reformed Baptist, I suspect our "feline friends" of being on the presbyterian side of things. Something about water immersion just doesn't sit right with them or something... Hm!
Clearly this division on pet preference is not a Calvinist/Arminian one. It must be within the classification -- maybe between supra and infralapsarianism? *grin*
You forgot one. Expert florists would find a way to keep tulips from going out of season; they would soon replace roses as the "romantic flower." They would also be openly accepted and recognized as "Tudips" for those who are more precise with their acronyms!