Social Network Links
Powered by Squarespace
Search the Riddleblog
"Amillennialism 101" -- Audio and On-Line Resources
« Obama's Cairo Speech and the Resurgence of Popular Dispensationalism | Main | The Audio Demon Has Been Cast Out! »

What If Calvinists Became the Majority . . . Not Gonna Happen . . . But What If . . .

Attendance at Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston would decline rapidly to the point that the property would be sold back to the city of Houston to pay off ministry debts.  It would then be re-converted into a basketball arena. 


Cigar smoking would once again be permitted in coffee houses, libraries, and sports venues.  It would become commonplace for people to gather in such places (without being treated like a criminal) to talk about theology, politics, literature, fine arts, and music and enjoy a good cigar along with an adult beverage, tea, or coffee. 

Reading habits would change.  Grand theological libraries would be all the rage.  World Magazine's top-ten best-seller list (the New York Times will quickly go belly-up because nothing in it is fit to print) will be dominated by theology, literature, and history titles.  Poorly written legal thrillers, Rapture novels, and self-help books will be a thing of the past.  The ESV Study Bible would sit near the top the best-seller list, followed by various theological reprints (mostly Puritan and continental Reformed writers) and biblical commentaries.

Fine beers and microbrews would no longer be taxed.  Taxes would be tripled on cheap domestic beer however.

Single malt scotch wouldn't be taxed either, and all tariffs on such imports would be revoked.  At the same time, alcoholism declines rapidly.


Businesses would voluntarily close on Sunday so people could both worship and rest on the Lord's Day.

Most TV networks will disappear--since very few people are still watching TV.  The History Channel will finally produce a documentary on the Book of Revelation which does not mention Nostradamus and in which Greg Beale is the featured expert.  Rod Rosenbladt takes Larry King's place and ratings skyrocket!


Voter registration would skyrocket for virtually all political parties and there would be spirited political debate before elections.  Election turnout would be very high and people would gladly accept the outcome of these election as the will of God.  No current US Senators will ever be elected to office again, and the seventeenth amendment will be quickly repealed.

The "National Cathedral" would be returned to the Episcopal Church for use in the ordination of gay, Arian, and Pelagian bishops.  But no more state-sponsored religious services will ever be held there, or anywhere else for that matter.

All cats would be licensed and spayed and neutered before reproducing.  Tax breaks (equivalent to that of a dependant child) will be given to dog owners.

No, I haven't become postmillennial!  Just having fun!

Reader Comments (42)

Sounds to good to be true. Although, I think a tax or fine for dog owners if their dog barks all the time and bothers the neighbors or their owners forget or just don't clean up after their dog.
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTimothy
Hi Kim, interesting thought. I came across this news earlier this week about the growth of chinese calvinism in China. Not sure how much of reported is substantial, but interesting read.

One would hope that its not just an intellectual movement within the churches of China but one of passion for Christ and biblical Christianity.

Keep up the good postings. :)
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRobin
Truly you need to get over this cat psychosis that you have especially when you marginalize cat owners in this way. Grow up man.
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPeter D. Nelson
American revolution was called a calvinist or presbyterian revolution ...if i remember correctly
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrobert kellly
i think beer causes brain damage...or alcohol does...if you are young adult avoid at all costs.
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrobert kellly
Kim, if that day shall come, the most popular cigar label would be the robusto Calvinista Puritano. A perfectly slow burn with some creamy, spicy notes and layers of complexity that mellows into a mild, irresistible taste.
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlan Kurschner
Oooooo, I like Calvinism, Scotch, cigars and dogs... and faith in the Soveriegn God who saves to the uttermost....including cat lovers. You should add to your list 15 year old Demerera rum, always neat or with ice...never never with coke.
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCharles S

I take it you own a cat . . .

This is a running joke in my circle. Since no offense was intended, don't take any.
June 4, 2009 | Registered CommenterKim Riddlebarger

Adam had dominion over all of the animals, except the cat. He couldn't control the cat.
June 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLloyd Cadle
Love the post! However I must dissent. Scotch has been far surpassed by his little brother bourbon. If you haven't sipped on George T. Steeg, or Pappy Van Winkle, or Black Maple Hill you don't know what you are missing...a small foretaste of glory.
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJed Paschall
Jameson for me. Every time.

You really shouldn't write such things, Kim.

It's like a colossal tease.

Are there pockets of such places in the world? Where are they? Can I come?
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSGRWebster
Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise. Prov 20:1
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason
Jason, so I guess Jesus was deceived and not wise?

I love this post, Kim. I can only imagine a place such as that. Where we could sit in a library with a nice cigar, glass of scotch and browse the selections of Calvin, Bavinck and all our other faves.

Also, while I am a scotch person, the other good bourbon is Blanton's. Needs to be added to Jed's resposne.
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTravis
Sounds like kindauva boring and odd inter-advental age. Besides, isn't calvinism is best when it's more pilgrim than victor?

But what's this about no more TV watching? I think what you may have meant was that HBO Original Series goes public and uncensored and Fox News gets unplugged.
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZrim
Great, grand vision of all things renewed. I do need more insight into how these all interconnect (e.g. am I able to bring my Samuel Smith Taddy Porter with cigar into library to do research and pleasure reading on the Puritans?)
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJohn
From one who is extremely allergic to cat dander, I find Kim's perspective on felines quite humorous. I guess it's all a matter one's perspective ...
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGeorge
One the matter of strong drink: where are you guys coming up with the $$$ for these single-barrel bourbons? There must be more money floating around in the economy than the media would have us believe.
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGeorge
work ethic would go up as people would strive to live a life Soli Deo Gloria!

Soli Deo Gloria!

jason d.
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason D
Hah! Very nice! {grin}
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAndrew C
Speaking of Calvinism, did you guys hear what William Lane Craig said in response to a question on false teaching and denominations in Christianity, and it is was a question from Hitchens at a Biola debate. Calvinism sure doesn't seem to be on the road to be in the majority, especially if Christian students and prospective ministers are being taught by men like Dr. Craig.
June 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlberto

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
All HTML will be escaped. Hyperlinks will be created for URLs automatically.